Often we assume that love means to our partners what it means to us, but the truth is, two people rarely mean the same thing when they say "I love you." In marriage counseling, we hear time and again the sometimes plaintive, sometimes desperate words: "I just don't love her anymore" or "I love him, but I am not in love with him." What this usually means is that a specific quality that the person wants in love is missing or has changed.
Let's say a couple goes to a marriage counselor just after 12 months of marriage. Their first session was brimmed with tension, and they claimed to have fallen out of love with each other. The wife complains: "You hardly ever tell me that you love me!" while the husband exclaims "Of course I love you, but I shouldn't have to tell you that I love you every waking moment - I do loving things for you. My actions speak louder than words ever could."
The couple might be having big relationship issues and it has certainly crossed their minds to just give up on each other and their marriage by simply getting a divorce. But they still want to work things out and make their relationship work. That is the reason why they went to a marriage counselor in the first place, but sometimes, no matter how hard any couple would really want to make their relationship work and go back to the way they were before, they still end up separated or divorced.
Did the couple fall out of love? No. Their love styles were merely out of sync and are causing insufferable tension. It is not uncommon for one partner to feel loving toward his or her partner while the other feels unloved. More often than not, it's not because their love has withered, it has simply taken on a style that is not meeting the partner's needs.
Most women equate love with showers of affection, gifts, touching, tenderness - all of which makes some men feel uncomfortable just because they didn't fit into their own perception of love. Most men express love by avoiding arguments, fixing broken appliances, listening and bringing home a paycheck to his family. A lot of men want companionable love while women crave for romantic love. Some needed a deeper sense of bonding and certainty while others long for more sensuality.
Don't just assume that how you love is how your partner wants to be loved. The phrase "I love you" can mean different things to everyone. Learn to adapt to how your partner perceives love because everyone gives and receives love differently.
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